4/17

He calls me after coming home. The second call of the day comes as per usual yet I can’t help being excited about it, and I don’t let him wait till the second ring. We speak. His tired eyes and trying smile can’t disguise the fact that he cares little about what I have to say. His week has been rough and he doesn’t explain why. All I know is it balances out his hypes from the excellent panel interview he delivered on the last Saturday. After the event, he was congratulated by many people, giving him [in his own word] “an inflated sense of self.” This week burst his bubble and brought him back to reality.

He reluctantly shares his experience with me because he doesn’t trust me. He fears his words will be used against him later, which had happened in the past. I understand it, so I am struggling to hold back my feelings.

Yesterday, I dreamt of the girl who he met on the Miami trip and was attracted to. How strange! I did not think about her at all but she appeared vividly in my dream. Today, I found out about him receiving a lot of attention from others, which reminded me of my dream. Is it trying to tell me something?

I have felt uneasy after the call with him, partly because of the dream. More importantly, the memories of my stay with him in March flashed back. He wasn’t being present with me as he came home tired every night. I craved little moments that we joked around together, but our interactions fell flat. We used Netflix as an escape from the awkwardness of silence. He’s been great, but I started to question where my thrills have gone. We’ve gotten so cozy and comfortable that we’ve forgotten about what makes the other person feel in love. I dislike my role as the caregiver, the cook and the pleaser in this relationship. A part of me has changed.

I know my boyfriend still likes checking out other girls and I have caught him redhanded many times. When he’s around me, he doesn’t show much appreciation for me or my appearance. I know I don’t look my best around him. For a guy who’s prone to distractions like him, looks are important to keep him attracted. I never make him feel the pressure to look a certain way, but he really does to me. I wonder if I can keep living like this?!

Jealousy? Perhaps. He’s gotten a new status for his job. I am happy for him as he’s not gotten much attention for a while. Living in a new city alone without any friends makes him lonelier than ever. I remember how thrilled he was when finding out about a new Viet couple living nearby. This status and fame will go by fast, and he will be (has been?) reminded of who he is and what’s important in his life.

This is a wakeup call and motivation for me to strive harder for my goals.

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